You get a clear view about what's really important in life.

You value your own life more and that of your loved ones who are still alive.

You develop a new, deeper and more realistic spiritual understanding of life.

And of course, although you wouldn't choose to go through the loss if you could help it, afterwards you are able to understand and assist others who grieve.

Guidelines For Grieving

• Give yourself as much time as you need to work through your grief.

A public poll once asked how long should it take to mourn the death of a loved one. Most thought 48 hours to two weeks. According to grief experts it takes at least two to three years.

For example, if your husband of 50 years dies, this could reasonably be expected to completely shatter your life. Widows usually have to deal with financial stress as well as the incredible loss of a lifelong companion, for which there will never be a replacement.

Deits in his book quotes a long-term study that shows that the death rate among widows and widowers is about two to seventeen times higher in the first year after the death of a spouse.

The death of a child is the worst experience that any parent can face. Parents commonly become divorced or separated if they do not take the time to work through the grief.

• Cast your pride to the wind and ask for help from your friends and family.

Make yourself a supportable person by expressing clearly what this loss means to you and telling friends specifically how they can help you.

• You have a right to remember the one who has died in any way you see fit.

This may include anything from holding a funeral for a miscarried, stillborn or premature baby, to creating a special place for mementoes of the loved one, to wearing clothes of the loved one who has died, to leaving the person's room untouched for a year or more until you are ready to deal with it, to designing a memorial ceremony a year after the fact. Others are not good judges of what is right and appropriate for you. Others may feel that some of these things are morbid, but in fact, these remembrances can help you work through your grief.

James and Cherry give a very practical "pile plan" of disposing of the possessions of a dead person. You simply put everything into three piles:

Pile A contains the things that you are certain you want to keep.

Pile B contains the things that you are certain you want to dispose of.

Pile C contains all those things you are not sure about yet.

• Let yourself cry. Have compassion for yourself. Let your grief out. Be gentle with yourself if you can't cry.

If you want to let out the tears, you can promote crying in a safe atmosphere. Bob Deits recommends and describes this "programmed cry" exercise in his book.

It is very important to be able to talk freely about the person who has died or the major loss that you have experienced. It is important to be able to confide your feelings in someone who will not judge you negatively or expect you to be over everything in a month. You will also experience other emotions beside sadness, especially anger and guilt.

• Make a conscious effort to work through the grief. Do the written exercises in LIFE AFTER LOSS or THE GRIEF RECOVERY HANDBOOK. It is best to share these exercises with a close friend or partner.

By all means attend a grief group as soon as possible if one is close to you. Your funeral home may be able to direct you to the nearest group. Even while grieving, you can start your own grief group.