In her book, TRANSFORMATION THROUGH BIRTH (Bergin and Garvey, 1984), Claudia Panuthos gives some guidelines for grieving. She stresses that above all, "cast your pride to the wind and allow others to know who you really are and what is truly happening."
She also feels it is important to make yourself a supportable person, find the appropriate support system, and then make your needs clearly known. Furthermore, she feels it is important to find the answers to all the questions you might have surrounding your miscarriage.
Finally, she emphasizes honouring and respecting your body, and feeling the right to remember your baby in any way that seems right to you, including naming the baby.
For friendships and loved ones of the woman who has miscarried, the most helpful stance is to validate her feelings, whatever they may be.
Comments like, "Keep your chin up," "That's life," or "It's nature's way of getting rid of defective fetuses," are not helpful.
The woman has just experienced the loss of her child, however young that child might have been. And that particular child and time can never be replaced.
Similarly, the well-meaning, "you can try again," is also offensive. In fact, trying again is not a good idea. Emotionally it is better to recover from one loss before starting anew, and physically, most doctors recommend waiting between three and six months to allow the body time to return to normal.
After a miscarriage, a woman needs special understanding and caring from her mate. At the same time a woman must keep in mind that her partner may well be experiencing his own feelings of emptiness and loss.
Time and the loving support of family friends and mate will assist you in recovering from a miscarriage. But in the end, letting yourself acknowledge your loss and experience it fully is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
ENDED BEGINNINGS, Healing Child-bearing Losses, by Claudia Panuthos and Catherine Romeo (Begin and Harvey, 1984).
SURVIVING PREGNANCY LOSS, by Freidman and Gradstein (Little Brown and Company, 1992). This book deals with physical and emotional aftermath of pregnancy loss, and explores future options.
EMPTY CRADLE, BROKEN HEART, by Deborah Davis (Fulcrum 1991). Practical down-to-earth advice as well as a warm understanding for those struggling to cope with pregnancy loss.
MISCARRIAGE by Anne Oakley, (Penguin, 1990). This books offers good support and information.
MISCARRIAGE, WOMEN'S EXPERIENCES AND NEEDS, by Christine Moulder (Pandora Press, 1990).
PREVENTING MISCARRIAGE: THE GOOD NEWS, by Jonathan Scher (Harper and Collins, 1990).
HOW TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGE AND OTHER CRISES OF PREGNANCY, by Dr. Stefan Semchyshyn and Carol Colman (Collier Books, 1990). This book is full of practical information on preventing miscarriages as well as premature births. Dr. Semchyshyn believes that a woman is an expert on her own body and should not hesitate to follow through on her symptoms, if she feels something is wrong.
GETTING AROUND THE BOULDER IN THE ROAD: USING IMAGERY TO COPE WITH FERTILITY PROBLEMS, by Aline Zoldbrod (1990). This can be ordered from Dr. Zoldbrod for $8.00 from 12 Rumford Rd, Lexington, Mass, 02173. The methods in this book can be easily adapted to help deal emotionally with miscarriage.
SHATTERED DREAMS is a newsletter published four times a year to offer "support information, sharing and hope for the future" for women experiencing miscarriage. Write to Shattered Dreams, c/o Debbie Anderson, 2672 Hickson Cres, Ottawa, ON, K2H 6Y6.
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